Monday, September 21, 2009

12 states we could all do without

A friend and I were talking about band tours and traveling and he ended up mentioning how much I dislike Arkansas. In case you didn't know, I hate the state of Arkansas. I thought everyone knew this. He did. And he made a joke that I would be a 39 state theorist and I have been so challenged to name 11 states that I could stand to live in America without. I'll do him one better and give you 12.

Besides obvious reasons such as the fact that the state is full of idiots, it is just a completely useless state. It is not currently nor has it ever really contributed anything to this union. If you've ever driven through or across Arkansas, it was probably one of the worst moments of your life. This state is mooching off of other states by having towns named "Texarkana" and "West Memphis". Get your own towns, Arkansas!

This state is named Spanish for "mountain". Yeah, we get that. You're not the only state to have those tall, pointy, snow capped things called mountains. If this is their only bragging point, then they should go on and give up now. Well, that and it's ranked as the fourth largest state. Why do they need to hoard all that space? Go on and give Idaho a little of that land back so they can be nice and square, too.

I know that there are some people who are huge fans of Portland; I've even been told that I would love it there. However, that doesn't mean that we need the whole state. Oregon isn't contributing anything to our union. They don't have grass grown from gold or or giant puppies. Just a lot of space between California and Washington. If we want to keep Portland, why don't we just drop the Washington state line a few miles and give our great city a new home and stop making Portland carry all of the dead weight of the entire state?

West Virginia
You might think I'm just being a jerk when I say that we could all live without West Virginia, but the truth is, do we really need a state that is just named "West" of the state it's next to? The true irony of our sad, loser states is that West Virginia is nicknamed "The Mountain State". Sucks that they gave the real name to Montana. West Virginia couldn't even do that right.

New Hampshire
I don't particularly like states that are named after a direction or the "new" version of something else. I won't hate on the significance of the original colonies, but what has N.H. contributed since? It's yet another stretch of land between more interesting states. Do they have tall trees there, or something?

What did Minnesota do to anyone, you may ask? Everything. Even its own residents don't like it. More than half of the entire state's population lives near St. Paul. That's a LOT of people for the twelfth largest state. What are you running from? The stinking smell of cheese that's floating over your border? Also, Minnesota has one of the more annoying U.S English dialects. Can't you just hear someone mocking them by stretching out that "mean-ahh-so-tahhhh"? If I were doing a list of cities, for that reason alone, Boston would be on my list.

It's Alabama. Do we need to talk about it? They eat baby souls while sitting on their front porches in year-round hell heat. And they're damned proud of it.

New Mexico
New Mexico's just sitting there, being all hot and just stealing some of the interest from Arizona. The fact that the majority of its population is still Native Americans and Mexicans suggests that we should just give the damned state back. Adding the "new" in its name doesn't make it any more or less like the original.

Aside from now being the memorial ground for Michael Jackson, can anyone name anything interesting or important about the state? The state's unoriginal name simply means "Land of the Indian"- not because there are a ton of red feathers left in the state, but because they let them live there a little while before hauling them off to the reservations. Aside from the Indi 500, which could be done in any state, Indiana has not lured us to its border for any good reason.

North Dakota
Again, directional state names annoy me. The state may have had an honorable name but being named after a native Indian tribe but couldn't that name have sufficed? Just...Dakota? Ew, now I'm thinking of Dakota Fanning. Ruined. North Dakota hasn't given us any yummy foods (yes, Idaho has been spared because of it's potato crops. I love potatoes. I'm the Bubba Gump of potatoes), interesting innovations or sexy people. All of these are important parts of our country.

South Dakota
It's south of North Dakota. What else is there to say? A friend just argued that South Dakota should be spared because of the "Teton National Park" but that's not even in this state. She also mentioned the Black Mountains but I could just as well go to another mountainous state when it's not snowing. There, they're black.

It's a complete rectangle. That, for me, is reason enough. However, it also has a "W" and an "M" in the name and that just ruffles my feathers like no one's business. "W" is for WINNERS. Wyoming is for LOSERS. It has the lowest population of all the U.S.. Did you know that there's a place called "Dead Indian Pass"? It sounds like a hate crime, and I hate Wyoming for it.


  1. Wow, big words from somebody from Louisiana. The state that leads the nation in just about every regrettable category there is. :)

  2. Oh now come on! We may not be the brightest but we are still useful! Port city, oil industy, dairy, sugar and general farming? We contribute way more than these nuts :)
    And I'm not FROM Louisiana. ;)

  3. Jennifer, I didn't miss it-it's so unimportant that it can't even be on this list.